Don’t Take It With You

A cousin used to say about my grandfather, “If he can’t take it with him, he ain’t gonna go.” Grandpa made it 93 years, but in the end, he left it all behind.

The cliché is a cliché for a reason: You can’t take it with you. We’ve heard it, we know it… and sometimes, we even remember to believe it. There are, however, things aside from money and possessions that we can carry all the way to the grave. Those things will weigh us down, drag us backward, bend and break us, until we don’t even realize we are no longer walking upright…

Jesus told a story in Matthew’s Gospel about a man who owed his Master a debt of 10,000 talents. Most estimates put it at around $12 to $20 million in today’s money, though there’s no definitive equivalent. The point, though, was that it was an impossible amount he could never hope to repay. Stunningly, though, when the man asked his master for mercy, the master forgave the entire debt! Leaving, the servant then goes to another man who owes him money… and has the man thrown in prison! That debt, 100 denarii, or roughly three months wages for a minimum wage worker – was roughly $5,000 in today’s money. It didn’t even compare! And yet, even though the servant was shown incredible, ridiculous mercy himself, he turned right around and showed absolutely no mercy to another.

While his audience is busy being shocked and angry with the wicked servant, Jesus pulls the rug out from under us and says that this is how it is when we refuse to forgive someone else, even though God has forgiven us. In fact, God has forgiven every single sin we have ever committed – and even the ones we haven’t committed yet! Not only that, but God has forgiven every single thought that crosses our darkened minds; every word spoken in anger or born out of hurt and meant to hurt back; every failure to speak up when the truth is obscured by lies, or when someone else needs a voice in their defense; every action and every inaction; every time we have failed to walk in our callings as baptized children of God. Every single moment was paid for by Jesus. Every mark on our permanent record was brutally hammered into the hands and feet of the Son of God out of a love, the depths of which we will never fully be able to grasp. When you consider all of that, someone else’s sin against us does not even begin to compare to the debt we owe God!

And yet, like that wicked servant, we will hold a lifelong grudge over the smallest slight, a poor choice of words, or a social media post. We will hold someone’s worst day against them, and write them off completely based on assumptions we make from a mere glimpse into someone else’s life. How is it that we who have been forgiven ourselves can have such a hard time forgiving others, to the point that we put someone else into a lifelong debtor’s prison of a broken relationship?

Instead of carrying our grudges to our graves, what if we lived the years we’ve been given the way Jesus lived His final three? Jesus forgave. Over and over and over again, far more than He performed miracles, He forgave sins. Far more than He healed handicaps and diseases, He forgave sins. He even forgave the sins of those who crucified Him as they were nailing Him to the cross!

But the truth is, we really don’t understand forgiveness. Even the Apostle Peter asked Jesus how many times we have to forgive someone. And tell me we can’t relate to Peter, right? OK, Jesus, I get it that I need to forgive – but only to a point, right? I mean, when the same person does the same thing over and over and over again without ever admitting they’re wrong – at some point, you’ve gotta wash your hands and walk away, right? I mean, if they’re just going to keep on hurting and never apologizing, don’t we need to turn our backs on them, at least to teach them a lesson? Seriously, Peter says, what’s the limit on forgiving someone? He’s looking for parameters, so he throws out a number. How far are we talking about here – like, maybe seven times, Jesus?

But Jesus is ready to blow Peter’s mind – and all of ours, too. “How about 70 times 7?” Seriously, Jesus? So, you’re saying that, if Lucy pulls that football out from under Charlie Brown over and over and over again for years… good old Chuck has to forgive her 490 times?!? Well, no. Actually, if you’re counting to 490, you’re still missing the point. Jesus means you might as well not bother keeping track, because God’s forgiveness is limitless – and if God can forgive the entirety of sins of the entire world throughout the entirety of human history…  Well, that’s probably the last time you want to ask God for some parameters on forgiveness…!

The rest of the world has a completely different take on forgiveness. For one thing, the very idea that you can forgive me would mean that I did something wrong, and that you are somehow in a position to judge me for it! For another, if I’m going to forgive you, there are certain conditions to be met: first, you have to admit you were wrong and say you’re sorry. Second, I have to be willing to accept your apology. Oh, and whatever you did better be forgivable, because certain things are not, and I get to decide what those things are!

But as a forgiven child of God, forgiveness is neither optional, nor conditional. We are commanded to forgive, even if the other person won’t admit they were wrong or say they’re sorry. Unfortunately, it doesn’t say anywhere in God’s Word that an apology or even true repentance is a prerequisite for forgiveness.

Are we called on to repent? Of course! However… we do not get to demand it of others – even in order to forgive them ourselves. And, in the event that someone else does apologize, we had better be ready to forgive them out loud, and to their face. You can explain to them that you’re not ready to forgive them yet, but to withhold forgiveness is a grave sin. That’s how the story of that wicked servant turns out: when the master learned of the servant’s cruelty, he took back his forgiveness and had the servant thrown in prison. Way worse, though, Jesus follows up by saying, “So My heavenly Father will do to you if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.” So, yeah, withholding forgiveness is not an option for us as believers.

As for the idea that some sins are unforgivable, I’m afraid that’s out for us, too. You might find a list of unforgivable sins on Twitter, but you won’t find one in the Bible. Apart from blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, God’s Word says that Jesus died once for the forgiveness of all sins, period. Not some sins, sins.

So… murder? Forgiven. Suicide? Forgiven. Hatred? Bigotry? Arrogance? Packers fans?… All forgiven. Do I really have to forgive the father who abandoned me? The spouse who cheated on me? The friend who betrayed me? The terrorist who killed innocent people? If I do not forgive, am I really guilty of sinning myself? The answer to ALL of the above… is YES.

But before you check out in anger, let’s get back to our not understanding forgiveness, because that’s a very important factor. Let’s look first at what forgiveness is not.

• Forgiveness is not letting someone “get away with it.”
• Forgiveness is not condoning or permitting evil behavior to continue.
• Forgiveness is not forgoing justice.
• Forgiveness is not remaining in an unsafe place, to be taken advantage of by another.
• Forgiveness is not pretending something didn’t happen. You can forgive the robber and still press charges. You can forgive your child and still ground them. You can forgive the abuser and never allow yourself to be abused by them again.
• Forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciliation and restoration. You can forgive someone who betrayed you and still walk away from the relationship. You can forgive someone who took advantage of your trust without putting that person back in a position of trust again. You can forgive a debt without ever lending again.
• Forgiveness is not a one-time thing. Forgiveness is a road that you choose to walk down – and you will very likely find yourself needing to face that choice again and again with each and every off ramp you approach. Sometimes, you will think you have forgiven someone, only to find yourself angry or hurt, all over again.
• Forgiveness is not synonymous with forgetfulness. Just because you remember a hurt does not mean you haven’t forgiven it. Forgiveness does not require amnesia! Forgiveness simply means that you refuse to let the sin – the hurt caused by it, the memory of it, the desire for justice and/or vengeance because of it – be the burden that it once was. Some of you have been trying all your lives to forgive and forget – and you are holding yourself to an impossible standard that even God does not ask of you. Seriously: you will not find God telling anyone to forget the sins of others in the Bible.
• Forgiveness is not a deserted island – or at least, it doesn’t have to be. You may very well need help forgiving someone. You might need someone to talk to, you might need professional or spiritual counseling, and you might need to confront the person you are trying to forgive, but you do not have to go it alone.
• Maybe most importantly of all, forgiveness is not about them, it’s about you.

Forgiveness is not about them, it’s about you.

Since that was a lot of what forgiveness is not, I want to use that last point to talk about what forgiveness is. If forgiveness is about you, then why does it feel so much like it’s about them? Well, it’s because the wrong that caused the hurt began with them – the other person. So, of course, that’s where we focus all our emotional energy, and that’s the object of our forgiveness: Forgive others, as you have been forgiven.

But think about this for a moment: That person who’s been on your mind since I started talking about forgiveness – Is there anything they can do or say that would make it up to you? Can they apologize, plead for mercy, ask forgiveness enough so that it’s like it never happened? Probably not, because sin is an impossible debt. You can’t make up for a lie by telling the truth, and you can’t make up for a wound you inflicted on someone else by being wounded yourself.

And once you realize – honestly – that there is nothing that the other person could say or do, that there is nothing that could happen to the other person that would make things go back to the way they were before they hurt you, then you really start to realize that forgiveness has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with you.

Because you are the one who was wounded, and you are the one who has to live with that wound – nobody else. And all of the hurt and the anger and the bitterness that you are carrying around for this other person because of the wound they caused – it’s only hurting you, preventing that wound from healing. And that, along with the hurt and anger and bitterness from every other wound inflicted on you, is just this gigantic duffel bag of hurt, anger and bitterness, slung across your shoulders, that is weighing you down – more and more each day.

And it is not your fault – you did not cause the hurt. But YOU and you alone have the power to forgive that hurt and let it go. Only you can say “I am not going to carry this around anymore!” “I am not going to carry them around anymore!”

See, when you forgive, you are not letting the other person off the hook. The crazy thing is, when you forgive them – It’s you you’re letting off the hook! You are the one who feels the relief!

Here’s another crazy thing: this can all happen without the other person ever being involved; without them ever even knowing you forgave them! You can even forgive someone who has died, and can no longer apologize or ask forgiveness, because forgiveness does not require the participation of the one being forgiven!

Forgiveness does not require the participation of the one being forgiven!

Let me say that again, another way: to forgive does not require the one being forgiven. Forgiveness is about releasing what you think you need from them. Even if that person were to repent, apologize, or get hit by a bus, it will never make up for the hurt. So forgiveness is letting go of whatever it is you think you need from them, and releasing yourself from the bondage you think you’re keeping them in by hating them. Forgiveness is saying, “I don’t need – what you can’t give – in order for me to move on.”

Forgiveness is saying, “I don’t need – what you can’t give – in order for me to move on.”

Forgiveness is resting in what Christ has done for you – and allowing that to shift your focus off of what you think everybody else owes you. Forgiveness is recognizing that Jesus died to set you free – so now you can throw off the weights and chains of what everyone else has done to you by letting go of the bitterness and embracing the freedom that you have in Christ.

When you stop associating your wound with the person who caused that wound, then you can finally start to heal from the hurt and move forward, without allowing that person to ever have any more power over your heart, mind and spirit.

Forgiveness is telling yourself, “No more!” You are free from the weight of your sins, So allow yourself to be free from the weight of the sins of others. Hurting people hurt people. Forgiven people forgive people.

Hurting people hurt people. Forgiven people forgive people.

It is fascinating that it is Peter who asks Jesus about forgiveness, because it is Peter who went on to betray Jesus by denying Him three times. Later, after Jesus had risen from the grave in John 21, He was spending time with the disciples. Peter was ashamed, but Jesus sat beside Him and offered Him forgiveness. Think about that: forgiveness was such a priority for Jesus that He not only taught it while He lived, He not only died to give it to all – He made it a priority after He had risen from the dead to seek out His friend Peter and forgive Him for betraying Him! That is the God we serve!

We all know we can’t take our material possessions with us when we go, even though we cling to them for as long as we can. A grudge is also something you can carry all the way to your grave, and it can weigh you down until your last breath. Don’t. Don’t take it with you. Lay it down and let it go.

Forgive, as you have been forgiven. Because life is too short for you to carry that weight. My prayer for each and every one of you is that before you die, by forgiving yourself and others, you might truly live.

Until next time, ever, RevErik